Just thinking..

Every day is hard, but some days I wonder how we have even made it this far, and furthermore, how we are going to continue to make it. As I went to Yahoo this morning to check e-mail, I saw a video for touching moments of 2011. I watched it (today is already an emotional day for me so why not throw in a touching video) and as I watched it, I think over the year at all the tragic things that have happened. Not to just me, but to the world. I think about all the people who have lost loved ones this year, and t's just still so unreal. I can remember hearing about all of those things, and thinking and talking about how sad it was. But I didn't actually feel how sad it was. I didn't feel what those thousands of people in Japan, or Joplin, or Tuscaloosa, or military, any of it, I didn't FEEL what they could possibly be feeling. And now when I hear about tragic things happening, like when someone else loses someone they love, I can actually feel for them. It's like being inducted into a club that no one wants to join, but once you join, you are always a member. I think about where those family members were when they got the news, I think about where I was when I got the news. I was so close to home. Life was so good, I was already talking to Cori, Ms. Candy, and John about what we were all going to do that day. I had no plans but to stay at home with the kids, and clean up, and play. Just a regular Saturday. I remember that phone call, and every time I pass that spot on the road, I can hear that phone call. I'm so very thankful for Chip Mclowsky, City of Lanett worker, that stopped and picked me up. I took off running after I hung up the phone and out of no where there he was and I flagged him down. He didn't have to stop, he could have just kept going. But not only did he stop, he didn't even ask questions, he took me right home. All of the tragic events that has hit in our home town since Dallas has been devastating to me. But I've never seen such love, as I have since the passing of Dallas. There has been so much support for me and from what I've seen for everyone else. I hope one day I can be as helpful to someone just as so many of you have been helpful to me.

As we get closer to Christmas, emotions are really hitting me hard. Everyone said they would, but you never really know until it happens. I'm trying to make this Christmas as normal as I can for Braydon and Knox. We aren't really focusing on a lot of presents this year. I want them to know from now on that family is the most important thing that we could ever have. Toys, electronics, clothes, it's all replaceable. But family is not. Dallas is not. So my hope for today is spreading love. My hope is to share feelings with other people, to sympathize with people I don't know and will never meet. To take a moment and pray for the people I hear about on the news, and what they must be feeling when things happen to them. And to love and appreciate all of my family, extended family, and friends and be thankful for the time I have with them. Three years is not even close to being long enough, but I love those three years with all my heart...

Lindsey

Thankful for..

These past few months have been extremely hard. I know that anyone who knows me by now knows of my situation. If you don't, on July 30, I lost a big huge part of my life when my beautiful precious 3 year old baby boy passed away from an accidental drowning. It's so horrible to actually say it. It still doesn't feel real. I miss him terribly. I think about him every minute of every day. I think about what he would say, what he would do, how much more pizza could he possibly eat, I just think about him. I just can't believe this happened to me, and to my family. You see these things on the news but it never really registers because it's not happening to you. Or to me. But now it has happened to me. I'm not going to recall the events of that day right now, it's just too much to bear. The pain I feel is not just mental, its real physical pain. My heart hurts all the time. Not because I don't know where he is, because I know where he is is far better a place than here, but because I miss him and I love him. I don't know why I was chosen to carry this pain, or why my baby had to leave me. It's definitely not fair. As I sit here and think about what I am thankful for, I actually find that despite this horrible pain, I am thankful.

I am thankful for the family that I still have, because we're not guaranteed anything. I will always be thankful for the people I love and the time I have with them. I can remember last Thanksgiving like it was yesterday. Trying to get ready, cook two casseroles, keep the house clean, and watching Dallas and Knox. I remember being frustrated because I was running late, I never ever thought that I just needed to enjoy my family and friends that I was spending the day with. I never thought, it never even crossed my mind, that that would be my baby's last Thanksgiving. I would give anything to go back in time and do it all over again.

I am thankful for those three years that God allowed me to have Dallas. I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I am thankful for all of our family and friends that have been there for us from day 1. The people that were there at our house doing whatever they could to feel like they were helping, the people that prayed for us and continue to pray for us, the people that sent so us cards and food and continue to do so, the people that still text or call or e-mail just to say "we're thinking of y'all". I know I don't answer all of you, and I still have so many thank you cards to write, but I am, we are, so very thankful for you all.

I love you all, and I can't put into words exactly how this process is going, but it's not east. It's amazing the amount of people who tell me I'm such a strong person, but they don't realize I don't have a choice. It would be easy to cry all day everyday, and it would be easy to just lose my mind, but I can't. I don't have a choice. I have to survive through this. I still have two children who need me and still have family who love me, and I have to strive to do my best so I can see Dallas again one day.

From the bottom of my heart,
Lindsey