Thankful for..

These past few months have been extremely hard. I know that anyone who knows me by now knows of my situation. If you don't, on July 30, I lost a big huge part of my life when my beautiful precious 3 year old baby boy passed away from an accidental drowning. It's so horrible to actually say it. It still doesn't feel real. I miss him terribly. I think about him every minute of every day. I think about what he would say, what he would do, how much more pizza could he possibly eat, I just think about him. I just can't believe this happened to me, and to my family. You see these things on the news but it never really registers because it's not happening to you. Or to me. But now it has happened to me. I'm not going to recall the events of that day right now, it's just too much to bear. The pain I feel is not just mental, its real physical pain. My heart hurts all the time. Not because I don't know where he is, because I know where he is is far better a place than here, but because I miss him and I love him. I don't know why I was chosen to carry this pain, or why my baby had to leave me. It's definitely not fair. As I sit here and think about what I am thankful for, I actually find that despite this horrible pain, I am thankful.

I am thankful for the family that I still have, because we're not guaranteed anything. I will always be thankful for the people I love and the time I have with them. I can remember last Thanksgiving like it was yesterday. Trying to get ready, cook two casseroles, keep the house clean, and watching Dallas and Knox. I remember being frustrated because I was running late, I never ever thought that I just needed to enjoy my family and friends that I was spending the day with. I never thought, it never even crossed my mind, that that would be my baby's last Thanksgiving. I would give anything to go back in time and do it all over again.

I am thankful for those three years that God allowed me to have Dallas. I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I am thankful for all of our family and friends that have been there for us from day 1. The people that were there at our house doing whatever they could to feel like they were helping, the people that prayed for us and continue to pray for us, the people that sent so us cards and food and continue to do so, the people that still text or call or e-mail just to say "we're thinking of y'all". I know I don't answer all of you, and I still have so many thank you cards to write, but I am, we are, so very thankful for you all.

I love you all, and I can't put into words exactly how this process is going, but it's not east. It's amazing the amount of people who tell me I'm such a strong person, but they don't realize I don't have a choice. It would be easy to cry all day everyday, and it would be easy to just lose my mind, but I can't. I don't have a choice. I have to survive through this. I still have two children who need me and still have family who love me, and I have to strive to do my best so I can see Dallas again one day.

From the bottom of my heart,
Lindsey